This whole issue about salvation.

I've been grappling with the issue of salvation. How does it work? I know that God has a provided a way of salvation through Christ - but exactly how do we end up embracing or rejecting it? Because the Bible makes it clear that we have to believe in Him to be saved. Does that mean we believe in Him by our own choice? But what are we supposed to base that choice on - like, how do we decide? And perhaps, even more concerning, is do we even have the ability to decide for Him? And how can we know or distinguish between when we honestly feel like we "can't" or that there's no basis for deciding for him vs. us just not wanting to and creating all sorts of reasons not to?

The Bible says that the god of this age (referring to satan) has blinded the minds of unbelieves so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ (2 cor 4:4) - my question is, has he succeeded in blinding because we were willing to be blinded? Or are we innocent victims? The Bible says faith is a gift of God. Does that mean unless God gives it we cannot have it on our own? Maybe faith is the undoing of the blinding and enables us to see the Truth?

When I reflect on how I was saved (sure, I'll use that 5 letter word!), I think of those two defining moments. The first when I was 15 - hearing about Christ in a way I'd never heard before. A realization that He was something more than nothing. It was as if what was invisible and non-existent became something (and I had been exposed to church since I was a child) - but it was blurry and ill defined; there, but lacking substance; two dimensional.

The second moment when I was 18 - walking behind Gilmer Hall on a fall day - God had been gradually becoming more defined but it was like He was in my peripheral vision. You know, like the person in the elevator you refuse to make eye contact with. And then I come to this place in my thinking and the moment I said "Okay, I give in - my life is Yours." Bam. There He is. God - front and center, defined, 3-D, real--- like, real enough to hold onto though not with these human hands. Real enough to stake my life on and live life by.

Was this the "gift" of faith? A realization, a dawn over a darkened mind, followed by a response that was more like a reaction - I don't know if I would/could have responded any other way to those revelations because it never entered my mind the same way a choice or decision usually comes to me. Like the way I "chose" to go into medicine or like how I choose the clothes I wear each morning. Looking back, all I can say is that I wanted to try and had no good reason not to. I felt like something was being offered and I don't know if I knew what it was, but something in me was drawn to it. Something in me said it was good. I went into it not really knowing what was in store but it didn't even cross my mind that I'd regret it. And I haven't.

At this point in my life, 7 years since that time, I can see very distinct differences in my life before 15, between 15 and 18, and after 18 until now. Maybe it's just how memory works. But my memories of life once God was at the center somehow seem more full and real - illuminated, living memories. But before God, they seem more flat, stale, and frankly somewhat boring and pointless. It's like remembering a dream or like I was only half awake during that time or like the only light in my life was the artificial kind and not the sun. Do you know what I mean? I don't think I fully felt alive until He was an integral part of my life.

Anyways, this doesn't answer my salvation question really, but maybe it will just have to remain a mystery to me - what was that "something"  in me that was drawn to God, that wanted to have Him not for secondary gain but just for Him alone, that thought that even if everything was taken from me and all I had was Him then that in itself would fulfill and exceed my deepest desires, that even the thought of that would reduce me to tears of overwhelming gratitude? I have no idea.

Chapter 12: Dealing with Conflict

Dealing with conflict is actually very simple, straightforward, and... extremely difficult. And it is bound to happen in any relationship. For those of us who are not by nature, easy going, selfless individuals (which are few and far between) the practice of humility, forgiveness, selflessness, sacrifice, grace, and understanding take a lifetime to develop and requires the help of God.

Being a stubborn, passionate, tomboyish, and borderline careless human being, I've gotten myself into many a disagreement/fight largely through my blunt use of words. Looking back now, I see the wisdom (and humor) of God placing in my life one of the most ladylike, sensitive, proper girls I could have possibly roomed with: Stephanie Marvin. Despite us being rather polar opposites in the way we chose to conduct ourselves, the one common ground we both shared was an uncompromising belief that Jesus Christ is the best thing since...well, ever since the concept of "the best thing" even came into existence.

Both of us had our faults and foibles and rubbed each other the wrong way on numerous occassions. I didn't understand how she could let trash accumulate even though it was on her side of the room - she didn't understand how I could possibly read the NIV when the NASB (versions of the Bible) was, in her estimation, superior. Why did she act so prim and proper? Why did I have to burp so loudly? Why didn't she clean the bathroom...EVER? Well, why didn't I ever put the toilet paper on the toilet paper dispenser?! These are examples of the small arguments we'd get into that we laugh about now. Yes, now I don't burp quite so loudly, I've learned to control my tongue a little bit better, I put the toilet paper in it's proper dispenser, but I still read the NIV because I was right that it's not that big of a deal :P. And now Stephanie is a perfect model of serving through washing dishes and cleaning, reads the NKJV, and eats cookies without a fork and knife!

Through my 4-5ish years of living with Steph and 2.75 of those years spent sharing the same room, I've learned some good principles about dealing with conflict.

1. People are different. And therefore people will think differently, act differently, perfer different things, have different pet peeves, carry on conversation differently. Some define "clean" as in "spotless" some define it as at least half the floor not covered in dirty laundry. All of these differences don't really become a problem unless we operate under the illusion that our way is the RIGHT and ONLY way and demand that people conform to it and forget that actually the only true way is the way of Christ. But what do we do if we are a super intense clean person stuck with an abominably dirty apartmentmate who NEVER does the dishes? A whole post could be written on this very common occurrence, but I'll just say that if you're wondering what Jesus would do, I think He would love that person and not bail on the relationship. I think love in this situation looks like a lot of prayer (mostly for yourself and the person), forgiveness, patience, encouragement (creatively asking if s/he would help you do the dishes while you are washing - at least this gets his/her attention even if s/he says "I'm too busy."), and service. If it's any encouragement, remember that Jesus did not come to be served but to serve a bunch of ungrateful sinners whose problems run much deeper than just not meeting standards for washing dishes!

2. Never make assumptions. Always ask questions, in a non-threatening manner ("What do you mean by such and such?" or "What makes you think that?" or "Did I say something that rubbed you the wrong way?" rather than "You meant this didn't you!..?" which is more like an accusation), to clarify the problem. So many people think they know how to "read people". What does that even mean? That's just stuff you read in mystery novels and watch on TV. I think less fighting would occur if we didn't assume quite so much unless we are assuming that we know nothing, in which case we are probably right.

3. Recognizing personal imperfection makes accepting correction, someone telling us we did something wrong, and even accusation a much more enjoyable process. When we forget that we're all imperfect, it's sometimes a nasty surprise to be told we actually went astray and perhaps hurt someone. It is the perfect set up for acting defensively or being driven to depths of guilt that are just plain unhealthy! But if you already know you're imperfect and keep that in the forefront of your mind, it won't be a surprise when someone tells you so! Instead you can say,  "Hmm yes, that was selfish of me which is what I expect from my selfish nature - forgive me and let me work on it some more. Thank you for showing me this one area of my selfishness that I can now proactively work on!"

4. Use Jesus's principle of "take out the plank from your own eye before removing the speck of wood from your brother's eye" or Paul's principle of "in humility consider others better than yourselves." Isn't it interesting that Jesus says we have planks and our brothers have specks? If, when we're wronged, we remember that we've got planks we're dealing with, I'm sure we'll be much more gracious, forgiving, and understanding of our brother's speck.  

5. Be patient and hopeful. For those blessed with a discerning eye, people can seem pretty disappointing. And it's true - we are! But more importantly, "How do we deal with people disappointing us?" Although there are a variety of ways to respond and deal (bitterness, revenge, depression, self-righteousness, isolating oneself, etc.) the best of these is still love and always will be. In 1 Corinthians 13 of the Bible, love is said to "always hope". Fascinating. What does that mean? I think one of the ways we can understand it is that in regards to people, we can always hope that there is untapped potential for an individual to be something, someone, gloriously beyond all our hopes and expectations. We accept them as they are but see them as they could be. By loving them (read the rest of 1 Cor 13), we play a part in unleashing that potential. And when they encounter the love of God...whew. Floodgates open.

I'm done with my verbose discourse here, but I'm interested in hearing other tips and advice about how people solve their conflicts :)

Chapter 12: Dealing with Conflict.

Dealing with conflict is actually very simple, straightforward, and... extremely difficult. And it is bound to happen in any relationship. For those of us who are not by nature, easy going, selfless individuals (which are few and far between) the practice of humility, forgiveness, selflessness, sacrifice, grace, and understanding take a lifetime to develop and require the help of God.

Being a stubborn, passionate, tomboyish, and borderline careless human being, I've gotten myself into many a disagreement/fight largely through my blunt use of words. Looking back now, I see the wisdom (and humor) of God placing in my life one of the most ladylike, sensitive, proper girls I could have possibly roomed with: Stephanie Marvin. Despite us being rather polar opposites in the way we chose to conduct ourselves, the one common ground we both shared was an uncompromising belief that Jesus Christ is the best thing since...well, ever since the concept of "the best thing" even came into existence.

Both of us had our faults and foibles and rubbed each other the wrong way on numerous occasions. I didn't understand how she could let trash accumulate even though it was on her side of the room - she didn't understand how I could possibly read the NIV when the NASB (versions of the Bible) was, in her estimation, superior. Why did she act so prim and proper? Why did I have to burp so loudly? Why didn't she clean the bathroom...EVER? Well, why didn't I ever put the toilet paper on the toilet paper dispenser?! These are examples of the small arguments we'd get into that we laugh about now. Yes, now I don't burp quite so loudly, I've learned to control my tongue a little bit better, I put the toilet paper in it's proper dispenser, but I still read the NIV because I was right that it's not that big of a deal :P. And now Stephanie is a perfect model of serving through washing dishes and cleaning, reads the NKJV, and eats cookies without a fork and knife!

Through my 4-5ish years of living with Steph and 2.75 of those years spent sharing the same room, I've learned some good principles about dealing with conflict.

1. People are different. And therefore people will think differently, act differently, prefer different things, have different pet peeves, carry on conversation differently. Some define "clean" as in "spotless" some define it as at least half the floor not covered in dirty laundry. All of these differences don't really become a problem unless we operate under the illusion that our way is the RIGHT and ONLY way and demand that people conform to it and forget that actually the only true way is the way of Christ. But what do we do if we are a super intense clean person stuck with an abominably dirty apartmentmate who NEVER does the dishes? A whole post could be written on this very common occurrence, but I'll just say that if you're wondering what Jesus would do, I think He would love that person and not bail on the relationship. I think love in this situation looks like a lot of prayer (mostly for yourself and the person), forgiveness, patience, encouragement (creatively asking if s/he would help you do the dishes while you are washing - at least this gets his/her attention even if s/he says "I'm too busy."), and service. If it's any encouragement, remember that Jesus did not come to be served but to serve a bunch of ungrateful sinners whose problems run much deeper than just not meeting standards for washing dishes!

2. Never make assumptions. Always ask questions, in a non-threatening manner ("What do you mean by such and such?" or "What makes you think that?" or "Did I say something that rubbed you the wrong way?" rather than "You meant this didn't you!..?" which is more like an accusation), to clarify the problem. So many people think they know how to "read people". What does that even mean? That's just stuff you read in mystery novels and watch on TV. I think less fighting would occur if we didn't assume quite so much unless we are assuming that we know nothing, in which case we are probably right.

3. Recognizing personal imperfection makes accepting correction, someone telling us we did something wrong, and even accusation a much more enjoyable process. When we forget that we're all imperfect, it's sometimes a nasty surprise to be told we actually went astray and perhaps hurt someone. It is the perfect set up for acting defensively or being driven to depths of guilt that are just plain unhealthy! But if you already know you're imperfect and keep that in the forefront of your mind, it won't be a surprise when someone tells you so! Instead you can say,  "Hmm yes, that was selfish of me which is not a surprise since I'm still a fallen creature  - forgive me and let me work on it some more. Thank you for showing me this one area of my selfishness that I can now proactively work on!"

4. Use Jesus's principle of "take out the plank from your own eye before removing the speck of wood from your brother's eye" or Paul's principle of "in humility, consider others better than yourselves." Isn't it funny that Jesus says we have planks and our brothers have specks? If we remember that we have our own short comings, then when someone wrongs us, we can approach them in a much more gracious, forgiving, humble manner and apply the golden rule of "treat others as you would be treated".

5. Be patient and hopeful. For those of us blessed with discerning/critical eyes - people can seem pretty disappointing. And it's true. We human beings are pretty disappointing. But the infinitely more important question is "what will be our response as we discover this truth over and over again in our lives?" The world has come up with many responses and ways to deal with it, but I still think the principle of love is ultimately the hardest and best. One of the descriptions of love in 1 Corinthians 13 of the Bible says that love always hopes. Isn't that interesting? What does that mean? I think one of the ways we can understand it is that in regards to another person we are always hopeful that there is untapped potential for this person to become something, someone, far more glorious than we can imagine of them. We accept them as they are but we see them as they could be and encourage them though different means to not stay satisfied with where they're at. There's more in store that's better.

Well that's it for my rather verbose discourse on dealing with conflict. I'd be interested in hearing other peoples tips and how they resolve conflict!

Where chivalry died...

you'll find the bones of graciousness.

Sometimes you hear among women in Christian circles "If you are a child a God that makes you a princess." Wow. Try saying that in front of people who have no idea what you're talking about (i.e. people who aren't Christian) and they'll think you're delusional. Sadly, some girls do get the wrong idea. Unfortunately, our idea of "royalty" is often a bunch of pampered people who get their way all the time and live in big castles. Of course, Christ's idea of royalty was not the "it's all about me" version but the "even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" version (Mark 10:45).

If this is true, then women who are Christian and call themselves "princesses" are obligated to follow Christ's example of what true royalty is. I want to propose that the girl parallel of "chivalry" is "graciousness". And I also want to submit to that we will have much fuller and happier relationships if we stop focusing on whether or not the man is "chivalrous" to us and focus more on how we can be "gracious" to them. I think this truth generally applies to all relationships - the truth of focusing not on me but on serving others. It's not really a truth that comes naturally to any of us but ...well, it works! I guess Christ knew what he was talking about! Obviously it is right for us to expect/demand common decency from the opposite sex (no abuse in any shape or form) just as we would expect from any other human being, but I think it's safe to relinquish our expectations that guys should wait on us hand and foot like we're "worldly princesses".  :)

The heart of chivalry and the heart of graciousness are one and the same - service to another person. We do the gentlemen service when we don't get huffy that they fail at being chivalrous and instead encourage them by thanking them every time they do something even the slightest bit nice for us and not taking them for granted.  We serve them when we respond to their acts of service to us and show our appreciation. We are serving guys when we forgive them when they've hurt us. We serve them when we bake them cookies or cook food for them or give them our time. We serve them when we stop demanding that they read our minds and have amazing intuition into how we're feeling. This is graciousness and may God help us to have more of it!

Also as an ending note, it would be easier for guys to be chivalrous to girls overall (whom they're not dating or interested in), if girls didn't have this incredible capacity for reading into acts of service as overtures of love! hahaha..and let's face it...sometimes we do, especially if we like a guy. And many a guy has been burned by inadvertently "leading a girl on" because he was simply trying to be chivalrous. God has blessed us with an imagination that is both a blessing and a curse! For that reason, I actually think it's okay for a guy to be wary about being chivalrous - although opening a door for a group of people probably WON'T be misconstrued as "I love you!" by a girl especially if the guy is consistent and an equal opportunity employer (meaning he's like that with...everyone).

Okay, I'm done here. hehe...

Educating the World On Second Year Medical School

For all you friends and families of med school students everywhere....

I write this entry (and I'm going to try to do it quickly) because I have finals 2 weeks away and boards on April 5 (oh yea and I'm getting married April 10) and because of this I am probably going to fail at being your friend or daughter or sister - you should just have the heads-up. And if you have friends/family who are in medical school - be patient with them for 2 years. By fourth year they will be resurrected and slightly normal people again.

Do you remember exam time in high school..or better yet, in college? Imagine that it is exam time every week and you will begin to have a better understanding of second year medical school. And I'm not talking about gut level classes. I'm talking about exams every week for ~ 21 credit hours worth of decently challenging (but not impossible) classes. This doesn't really apply to first year med school as first year was about maybe 1/2 as hard as second year.

All of us second years laugh at the "recommended reading" list our instructors give us. We're lucky if we can manage to get through the required and many times just keep up with the lecture notes is about the best I can do. We start buckling down for exams intensely ideally 2 (if not 3) weeks before. Many of us have had to sacrifice the multiple hobbies we once had as happy college students - most of us cling to one or two. As far as relationships go, medical school can be extremely isolating for some people, especially us introverts and if we find those 1 or 2 good friends, we should call ourselves ...blessed. I am really glad I stayed in charlottesville where I have an amazing support group of friends (although the group seems to get smaller each year!). I'm also really lucky to have had a great anatomy lab group!

Medical school can be bad for your health. I've succumbed to exercise videos (no nearby gym) so I don't utterly waste away. I sometimes forget to eat properly and cooking can seem like such a time-consumer especially cleaning up! My eyes are constantly dry and my vision is ever worsening. I had elbow tendonitis and some slight carpal tunnel from the thousands (not really exaggerating there) of flashcards and tables galore I have made. Since then I've been using the mouse in my left hand and my apartmentmate got me an ergonomic keyboard . And sadly, I'm still exhausted after 7 hrs of sleep! I'm sure that most med students at some point during their first two years have to decide all over again.."is it worth it?" When I think of what I could be doing in a less intense field, I'm sometimes tempted to call it quits but every now and then I break through the clouds and see clearly why it is worth it still (to me).

I don't write this to complain. I am so thankful still to just even have the chance to try at this whole thing. I just wanted to give a picture of what it can be like for those of you with friends in med school and wonder why they have gone MIA or never call you or can't seem to make it out to anything. We've got a ton of things on and in our minds and many times, things slip out and we just plain forget. I forgot to tell Jenn (my apartmentmate) that I was moving in April! My fiance is better at doing romantic things than I am. It makes me sad when things like this happen. But it's just part of what you sign up for when you go into medical school.